I've heard people say to me don't be controlled by your emotions. I understand not wearing my heart on my sleeve, but there comes a time when I have to loosen the grip I have on my emotions.
Hating someone and letting that drive you to killing someone is wrong, most people would agree.
But.
Like every single time before, I have developed a crush on my close guy friend. This is why I can't have close guy friends. I value our friendship, and I believe he values our friendship. I know he won't ever be attracted to me. I'm not his type. He's not really my type. He's there and I get so lonely. So I told him. I'm 25 and I've never been in love. I've never been kissed. I've never even been on a real date, not that a date is what I'm looking for. I'm looking for rest. I just don't know how to tell my heart to calm down. And Instead of feeling protected, I'm prone to believe I'm unwanted, undesirable, repulsive, ugly, useless, the list goes on and on. When in reality it means I have something special that is being so well preserved in a society where everything is being ruined. I mean, come on. I'm not ugly. I may be overweight, but I am beautiful. AND I have the best hair I have ever seen. Useless? I mean, God has given me more talent than most people I know, and I constantly give it back to Him. I just don't understand why he has chosen me to be set apart and feel so lonely.
And now I'm minus a friend. Again. I'm sorry. I really am. Maybe eventually we can be close friends again. You are amazing. And talented. I hope I didn't mess it up too badly. Who would I rather have random worship time with? Well I ain't going to Narnia that's for sure.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Friday, December 9, 2011
September 15
I wrote this September 15th and I forgot about it. I love expressing myself through poetry, so I thought I would share it.
Every time I think I’ve finally found love it leaves. I hate that you notice me. It makes me think we could be. I want to be the one you want. Not the one you settle for. I just don’t think I’m pretty enough to be with you. I’ll probably never be skinny or find someone who sees me as beautiful the way I am. How could someone love a big girl in a small world? As you leave, I mourn the loss of this chance. I mourn the time wasted once again. I wish there was hope for me but it’s just never worked out. 25 and never been on a real date. Never been kissed. Never been told how beautiful I am by the one I love. I don’t want you to have pity on me; I just want you to fall in love with me. Just for once. I don’t want to give up on love but I feel it has given up on me.
Have you given up on me love?
Cause I’m giving up on you.
I just can’t leave my heart wide open
To dreams that don’t come true.
I want to live my life without worrying if you’ll ever knock on my door
I guess I’m not meant to have the only thing I’ve ever wanted
It would be different if you were the only one who told me this
Ten years later and still I’ve never been kissed
Love you let me down so I’m walking out
I’m building up my walls now I can’t keep letting strangers in.
Is there not one I value who values my heart?
Who loves my time?
Who thinks I’m beautiful?
I guess not.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Excerpt from Praise Habit: Finding God in Sunsets and Sushi by David Crowder
1-9 God, you're my last chance of the day.
I spend the night on my knees before you.
Put me on your salvation agenda;
take notes on the trouble I'm in.
I've had my fill of trouble;
I'm camped on the edge of hell.
I'm written off as a lost cause,
one more statistic, a hopeless case.
Abandoned as already dead,
one more body in a stack of corpses,
And not so much as a gravestone—
I'm a black hole in oblivion.
You've dropped me into a bottomless pit,
sunk me in a pitch-black abyss.
I'm battered senseless by your rage,
relentlessly pounded by your waves of anger.
You turned my friends against me,
made me horrible to them.
I'm caught in a maze and can't find my way out,
blinded by tears of pain and frustration.
9-12 I call to you, God; all day I call.
I wring my hands, I plead for help.
Are the dead a live audience for your miracles?
Do ghosts ever join the choirs that praise you?
Does your love make any difference in a graveyard?
Is your faithful presence noticed in the corridors of hell?
Are your marvelous wonders ever seen in the dark,
your righteous ways noticed in the Land of No Memory?
13-18 I'm standing my ground, God, shouting for help,
at my prayers every morning, on my knees each daybreak.
Why, God, do you turn a deaf ear?
Why do you make yourself scarce?
For as long as I remember I've been hurting;
I've taken the worst you can hand out, and I've had it.
Your wildfire anger has blazed through my life;
I'm bleeding, black-and-blue.
You've attacked me fiercely from every side,
raining down blows till I'm nearly dead.
You made lover and neighbor alike dump me;
the only friend I have left is Darkness.
Psalm 88 is this. A picture of a moment when life has pressed in and faith is turned on its head and the writer has been thrown into a deluge with the overpowering weight of the moment. Life cannot be kept at bay. It comes. Our protected areas are invaded. We cry for help and hear silence in return. I think the truth in this chapter is that sometimes we find ourselves overwhelmed with no answer. In this psalm there are no reasons given for God's silence. The psalm is not interested in explanation. We may imagine that the situation is so desperate that even if a "reason" could be offered, the speaker would have no interest in it, nor would it help, because the needfulness of the moment supersedes any reasonable conversation. But the psalmist was not deterred by the silence. Even if the speaker is speaking to the empty sky. he is not deterred. It only leads to more intense address. This psalm reports what it's like to be God's partner in His inexplicable absence. There is nothing out of bounds, nothing precluded or inappropriate. Everything properly belongs in this conversation of the heart. To withhold parts of life from that conversation is to withhold parts of life from the sovereignty of God. God must be addressed even if God never answers. In our modern experience it is believed that enough power and knowledge can tame the terror and eliminate the darkness. But we regularly learn and discern that there in the darkness---more than anywhere else--newness that is not of our own making breaks upon us and we are surely then drowned in Him. Psalm 88 shows us what the cross is about: faithfulness in scenes of complete abandonment.
I spend the night on my knees before you.
Put me on your salvation agenda;
take notes on the trouble I'm in.
I've had my fill of trouble;
I'm camped on the edge of hell.
I'm written off as a lost cause,
one more statistic, a hopeless case.
Abandoned as already dead,
one more body in a stack of corpses,
And not so much as a gravestone—
I'm a black hole in oblivion.
You've dropped me into a bottomless pit,
sunk me in a pitch-black abyss.
I'm battered senseless by your rage,
relentlessly pounded by your waves of anger.
You turned my friends against me,
made me horrible to them.
I'm caught in a maze and can't find my way out,
blinded by tears of pain and frustration.
9-12 I call to you, God; all day I call.
I wring my hands, I plead for help.
Are the dead a live audience for your miracles?
Do ghosts ever join the choirs that praise you?
Does your love make any difference in a graveyard?
Is your faithful presence noticed in the corridors of hell?
Are your marvelous wonders ever seen in the dark,
your righteous ways noticed in the Land of No Memory?
13-18 I'm standing my ground, God, shouting for help,
at my prayers every morning, on my knees each daybreak.
Why, God, do you turn a deaf ear?
Why do you make yourself scarce?
For as long as I remember I've been hurting;
I've taken the worst you can hand out, and I've had it.
Your wildfire anger has blazed through my life;
I'm bleeding, black-and-blue.
You've attacked me fiercely from every side,
raining down blows till I'm nearly dead.
You made lover and neighbor alike dump me;
the only friend I have left is Darkness.
Psalm 88 is this. A picture of a moment when life has pressed in and faith is turned on its head and the writer has been thrown into a deluge with the overpowering weight of the moment. Life cannot be kept at bay. It comes. Our protected areas are invaded. We cry for help and hear silence in return. I think the truth in this chapter is that sometimes we find ourselves overwhelmed with no answer. In this psalm there are no reasons given for God's silence. The psalm is not interested in explanation. We may imagine that the situation is so desperate that even if a "reason" could be offered, the speaker would have no interest in it, nor would it help, because the needfulness of the moment supersedes any reasonable conversation. But the psalmist was not deterred by the silence. Even if the speaker is speaking to the empty sky. he is not deterred. It only leads to more intense address. This psalm reports what it's like to be God's partner in His inexplicable absence. There is nothing out of bounds, nothing precluded or inappropriate. Everything properly belongs in this conversation of the heart. To withhold parts of life from that conversation is to withhold parts of life from the sovereignty of God. God must be addressed even if God never answers. In our modern experience it is believed that enough power and knowledge can tame the terror and eliminate the darkness. But we regularly learn and discern that there in the darkness---more than anywhere else--newness that is not of our own making breaks upon us and we are surely then drowned in Him. Psalm 88 shows us what the cross is about: faithfulness in scenes of complete abandonment.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Pine Tree Night 2011
So...Pine tree night is a tradition me and some of my friends have. We drive to Nashville in the middle of the night and go look at the Gaylord Hotel. Fantastic idea.
The trip got underway about 10:30 last night. All of us met at Winn's house in Collinwood and took his dad's van to Nashville. All eight of us. In a seven passenger van. Very interesting car ride. We arrived at around 1am only to find that the rent-a-cop was onto us. All we had to do was move the car though. Relieved.
The first door we came to was unopenable without a room key so we had to walk halfway around the building to get to the main lobby. Halfway around that building is quite a distance. We finally entered the hotel at the main door with no questions asked. I guess it's good the place is so huge.
It was magical
I'm ready for Christmas.
We stopped at Steak 'N Shake in Franklin at around 5:30am. We had a great meal and a fantastic server, especially surprising for the time of day it was. After dinner/breakfast or whatever it was, we stepped outside to see the sun rising. Then we headed back home to which Emily and I arrived at around 9am. I got up at 4pm.
Night well spent.
The trip got underway about 10:30 last night. All of us met at Winn's house in Collinwood and took his dad's van to Nashville. All eight of us. In a seven passenger van. Very interesting car ride. We arrived at around 1am only to find that the rent-a-cop was onto us. All we had to do was move the car though. Relieved.
The first door we came to was unopenable without a room key so we had to walk halfway around the building to get to the main lobby. Halfway around that building is quite a distance. We finally entered the hotel at the main door with no questions asked. I guess it's good the place is so huge.
It was magical
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| Random Orchids |
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| The BIG Tree |
 |
| Magnolia Ballroom Chandelier |
 |
| The BIG Tree |
We stopped at Steak 'N Shake in Franklin at around 5:30am. We had a great meal and a fantastic server, especially surprising for the time of day it was. After dinner/breakfast or whatever it was, we stepped outside to see the sun rising. Then we headed back home to which Emily and I arrived at around 9am. I got up at 4pm.
Night well spent.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Ugh....
I feel awful today. I was out late last night and then I came home and cried for another hour. So, I laid down at 2:30am and got up at 6. Depressed and tired do not mix. I learned a few things this week.
1. I am terrible at karaoke.
2. I will be under appreciated for the rest of my life.
3. I'm not even remotely beautiful compared to at least 85% of the population.
4. #3= basically I'm not going anywhere because beauty is the treasure of this world
5. I'm tired of 2-4 I carry that weight with me everyday.
6. 1 doesn't really bother me. I think it's great. :-)
7. Don't tell me how crazy girls are. I'm not crazy. I'm just not pretty enough for you.
8. I would love to find someone for me but I'm pretty sure Flo-Bama is not the place.
9. Not that anyone would look at me anyway.
10. I really would like to be beautiful for a day just to see how it feels. People treat you different.
11. Dreaming only gets me hurt.
12. I think I might become a hermit.
13. Some days I would rather be anyone else.
14. I know in my head I'm not completely worthless but my heart doesn't believe I have any value .
15. Nothing anyone says can change the way I feel.
16. I'm not really sure what I did to deserve any of this.
17. I understand that God doesn't want me to be depressed.
18. I am blessed and loved.
19. I'm still never going to be pretty enough.
20. It makes me sad.
Later
1. I am terrible at karaoke.
2. I will be under appreciated for the rest of my life.
3. I'm not even remotely beautiful compared to at least 85% of the population.
4. #3= basically I'm not going anywhere because beauty is the treasure of this world
5. I'm tired of 2-4 I carry that weight with me everyday.
6. 1 doesn't really bother me. I think it's great. :-)
7. Don't tell me how crazy girls are. I'm not crazy. I'm just not pretty enough for you.
8. I would love to find someone for me but I'm pretty sure Flo-Bama is not the place.
9. Not that anyone would look at me anyway.
10. I really would like to be beautiful for a day just to see how it feels. People treat you different.
11. Dreaming only gets me hurt.
12. I think I might become a hermit.
13. Some days I would rather be anyone else.
14. I know in my head I'm not completely worthless but my heart doesn't believe I have any value .
15. Nothing anyone says can change the way I feel.
16. I'm not really sure what I did to deserve any of this.
17. I understand that God doesn't want me to be depressed.
18. I am blessed and loved.
19. I'm still never going to be pretty enough.
20. It makes me sad.
Later
Friday, November 18, 2011
Well Friday's Here
I have decided that I am going to clean out some junk in my life. First of all, I have low self-esteem mainly because I don't see myself as beautiful. At all. I've never felt really beautiful and all my life there were people who treated me like I'm not, so why not believe it.
The one that kills me is when people pull the inner beauty card. Vomit. I understand that I'm amazing on the inside. Not my problem. I understand that I have talent. Not my problem. My problem is I'm not attractive...
So I refuse to spend time with anyone who makes me feel like less of a person. I am perfectly content to hang out at the house by myself. When I become more confident then I may be more social, but I would rather be ok with myself than have a million friends.
The one that kills me is when people pull the inner beauty card. Vomit. I understand that I'm amazing on the inside. Not my problem. I understand that I have talent. Not my problem. My problem is I'm not attractive...
So I refuse to spend time with anyone who makes me feel like less of a person. I am perfectly content to hang out at the house by myself. When I become more confident then I may be more social, but I would rather be ok with myself than have a million friends.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Today IS THUrSdaY
Praise Jesus. I am still alive another day!
I have struggled a small bit this week but nothing too bad. Finances are always on my mind. I have got to make a budget. It will happen next week and I will be more stable in that area God willing. I want to be a more responsible person and that's one thing I can work on. I also still fight the same battle of loneliness. It's just a struggle some days(i feel the tears coming as I type this sentence). No matter what I tell myself, or what other people tell me, or what I read in the scripture, I still feel like there must be something wrong with me. Well, there is. I'm not skinny and probably will never be a size 0 or whatever. I feel like no matter what I do, I'll never be good enough. I almost cry every time I go to the gym. I feel like what I'm doing is useless. I haven't really lost any weight. What if I do attain the perfect figure? What if some guy I've been in love with for 10 years wants to date me? Why couldn't I be good enough before? I'm still the same me. (tear) It sucks to be a fat girl in a skinny world... I see ugly guys with beautiful girls all the time... It's such a double standard and it tells me I have to be perfect and I just can't.
I feel so disgusting and ugly sometimes.
I have struggled a small bit this week but nothing too bad. Finances are always on my mind. I have got to make a budget. It will happen next week and I will be more stable in that area God willing. I want to be a more responsible person and that's one thing I can work on. I also still fight the same battle of loneliness. It's just a struggle some days(i feel the tears coming as I type this sentence). No matter what I tell myself, or what other people tell me, or what I read in the scripture, I still feel like there must be something wrong with me. Well, there is. I'm not skinny and probably will never be a size 0 or whatever. I feel like no matter what I do, I'll never be good enough. I almost cry every time I go to the gym. I feel like what I'm doing is useless. I haven't really lost any weight. What if I do attain the perfect figure? What if some guy I've been in love with for 10 years wants to date me? Why couldn't I be good enough before? I'm still the same me. (tear) It sucks to be a fat girl in a skinny world... I see ugly guys with beautiful girls all the time... It's such a double standard and it tells me I have to be perfect and I just can't.
I feel so disgusting and ugly sometimes.
Monday, November 14, 2011
yep
Been a lot going on lately. I haven't blogged because I didn't want to regret anything I may have said out of anger or frustration. But now my head is mostly clear.
I've been doing a lot of music related things lately, none of which yield income, but hanging out and making music with friends is worth more than almost anything to me. I'm convinced it's in my DNA. If I had no gift of music I know I would find other ways to glorify God, but He gave me this so I give it back to Him. He's more than worth it all.
I've been doing a lot of music related things lately, none of which yield income, but hanging out and making music with friends is worth more than almost anything to me. I'm convinced it's in my DNA. If I had no gift of music I know I would find other ways to glorify God, but He gave me this so I give it back to Him. He's more than worth it all.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
No Limts
Take the Limits Off
I'm not a man
I cannot lie
I know the plans
For your life
I'm asking you to dream again
Believe again
And take the limits off of Me
I'm not a man
I cannot lie
I know the plans I have for you
They're My design
So I'm asking you
Just to hope again
And take the limits off of Me
Take the limits off
Take the limits off
Release Me
To accomplish what I promised you Take the limits off
Take the limits off
Release Me
Release Me
No limits
No boundaries
I see increase
All around me
Stretch forth
Break forth
Release me
Enlarge my territory
I'm not a man
I cannot lie
I know the plans
For your life
I'm asking you to dream again
Believe again
And take the limits off of Me
I'm not a man
I cannot lie
I know the plans I have for you
They're My design
So I'm asking you
Just to hope again
And take the limits off of Me
Take the limits off
Take the limits off
Release Me
To accomplish what I promised you Take the limits off
Take the limits off
Release Me
Release Me
No limits
No boundaries
I see increase
All around me
Stretch forth
Break forth
Release me
Enlarge my territory
Monday, November 7, 2011
It is not death to die
It Is Not Death to Die - Sovereign Grace Music
It is not death to die
To leave this weary road
And join the saints who dwell on high
Who’ve found their home with God
It is not death to close
The eyes long dimmed by tears
And wake in joy before Your throne
Delivered from our fears
(Refrain)
O Jesus, conquering the grave
Your precious blood has power to save
Those who trust in You
Will in Your mercy find
That it is not death to die
It is not death to fling
Aside this earthly dust
And rise with strong and noble wing
To live among the just
It is not death to hear
The key unlock the door
That sets us free from mortal years
To praise You evermore
(Refrain)
O Jesus, conquering the grave
Your precious blood has power to save
Those who trust in You
Will in Your mercy find
That it is not death to die
It is not death to die
To leave this weary road
And join the saints who dwell on high
Who’ve found their home with God
It is not death to close
The eyes long dimmed by tears
And wake in joy before Your throne
Delivered from our fears
(Refrain)
O Jesus, conquering the grave
Your precious blood has power to save
Those who trust in You
Will in Your mercy find
That it is not death to die
It is not death to fling
Aside this earthly dust
And rise with strong and noble wing
To live among the just
It is not death to hear
The key unlock the door
That sets us free from mortal years
To praise You evermore
(Refrain)
O Jesus, conquering the grave
Your precious blood has power to save
Those who trust in You
Will in Your mercy find
That it is not death to die
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Love Lessons
God has a very interesting way of showing me His heart. '
These lessons are difficult but unforgettable.
I know as a human I can't possibly understand His love but he reveals it to me in layers.
I won't tell you all the details of each lesson but here are some things I have come to know personally about Him.
His love is relentless.
His love is unconditional.
Even when our eyes aren't on Him, we are still at the center of His heart.
His love for us never changes.
He made us for Him.
His simplest desire is for us to love Him in return.
When he rebukes the church at Ephesus saying,"You have lost your first love", He is trying to tell them that they are missing the whole point. God is love. Real love. The only true love that exists. He gave his ONLY son to show us how much he loves us. So often we leave our lover out in the cold. He painted the picture of Hosea and Gomer to show us how much he loves us yet we still miss the point. We still leave Him longing. Or worse, we don't give Him any of us.
These lessons are difficult but unforgettable.
I know as a human I can't possibly understand His love but he reveals it to me in layers.
I won't tell you all the details of each lesson but here are some things I have come to know personally about Him.
His love is relentless.
His love is unconditional.
Even when our eyes aren't on Him, we are still at the center of His heart.
His love for us never changes.
He made us for Him.
His simplest desire is for us to love Him in return.
When he rebukes the church at Ephesus saying,"You have lost your first love", He is trying to tell them that they are missing the whole point. God is love. Real love. The only true love that exists. He gave his ONLY son to show us how much he loves us. So often we leave our lover out in the cold. He painted the picture of Hosea and Gomer to show us how much he loves us yet we still miss the point. We still leave Him longing. Or worse, we don't give Him any of us.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Honesty
Well today my aim is to seek after God. I'm tired of my life not yielding fruit because I seek the things I want so much. I'm pretty much through with those things. They just destroy me. I want to be devoted to Him in all my ways.
I'm afraid I might lose some friends but I know God will watch over me.
I know that many people's world really revolves around their love life. That no longer controls me. You should try it.
Before you lie to me, remember that I'm good friends with almost everyone.
I am not stupid. I try to understand people on a deep level. So I know when something's off. If I ask you just be honest with me about it. Or at least say it's none of your business. Ignoring me just makes me lose respect for you.
I am probably one of the most devoted friends you will ever have. I care so much about people probably due to the fact that I felt left out because I'm not beautiful or skinny. So, I try to make everyone feel as awesome and important as I want to feel. With all that said, if you treat me like I don't matter, it becomes very hard for me to be friends with you.
People are so quick to judge others but blind to their own selves. Makes me want to vomit. You have it set in your head that someone is in the wrong but it's really you. Actually, it is a little of both.
We have to learn to be faithful in the small things. How can we expect to be any use in the Kingdom if we don't?
Let's peel the world off of us and put on Christ. It's the only way we can live in unity.
I'm afraid I might lose some friends but I know God will watch over me.
I know that many people's world really revolves around their love life. That no longer controls me. You should try it.
Before you lie to me, remember that I'm good friends with almost everyone.
I am not stupid. I try to understand people on a deep level. So I know when something's off. If I ask you just be honest with me about it. Or at least say it's none of your business. Ignoring me just makes me lose respect for you.
I am probably one of the most devoted friends you will ever have. I care so much about people probably due to the fact that I felt left out because I'm not beautiful or skinny. So, I try to make everyone feel as awesome and important as I want to feel. With all that said, if you treat me like I don't matter, it becomes very hard for me to be friends with you.
People are so quick to judge others but blind to their own selves. Makes me want to vomit. You have it set in your head that someone is in the wrong but it's really you. Actually, it is a little of both.
We have to learn to be faithful in the small things. How can we expect to be any use in the Kingdom if we don't?
Let's peel the world off of us and put on Christ. It's the only way we can live in unity.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Desperate Times
Late post.
I overslept this morning...
I silenced my phone alarm at 5:55, it goes off every 10 minutes so I usually get up at 6:15 or 6:25. I'm one of those people who need a snooze button. Well this morning was weird. After silencing my alarm, I fall asleep again to a strange dream about the Levy breaking again and protecting my family's stuff. Very strange. I then awake to find that it is 6:57(I have to be at work at 7), and I have no idea where my phone even is. Well I wake Emily up(she's not happy), and have her call it. It was laying on the floor on the opposite end of the bed on silent. I know it was not on silent at 5:55. My subconscious really wanted to sleep today.
I've also been really convicted this morning. I am so easy to say malicious things about people when I don't really know the whole story. I feel awful about it. I feel like there's so much tension around me and I release it on the wrong people. I hate to speak badly about my friends. I'm going to do some repenting today.
I overslept this morning...
I silenced my phone alarm at 5:55, it goes off every 10 minutes so I usually get up at 6:15 or 6:25. I'm one of those people who need a snooze button. Well this morning was weird. After silencing my alarm, I fall asleep again to a strange dream about the Levy breaking again and protecting my family's stuff. Very strange. I then awake to find that it is 6:57(I have to be at work at 7), and I have no idea where my phone even is. Well I wake Emily up(she's not happy), and have her call it. It was laying on the floor on the opposite end of the bed on silent. I know it was not on silent at 5:55. My subconscious really wanted to sleep today.
I've also been really convicted this morning. I am so easy to say malicious things about people when I don't really know the whole story. I feel awful about it. I feel like there's so much tension around me and I release it on the wrong people. I hate to speak badly about my friends. I'm going to do some repenting today.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Blah
After having such a seemingly good day yesterday, today I find that my heart is so locked up that I can't even find it. I just feel a funk around it. I'm so glad prayer is tonight. :-)
I want to break free of being begrudgingly single and be satisfied that my Maker is my husband. I know that He knows I have this desire. I know that if I have this desire he will grant it to me if my ways are aligned with His ways. It's just so hard some days, especially today. I have no appetite because I feel undesirable, but still eat because I'm depressed(that's what girls do). I'm trying not to hate how I look or who I am because that's the only logical thing I can come up with as to why I have never been in love or even been kissed for that matter. God's timing is so illogical. It's why he stresses faith. I have to believe that he has my best in mind. I sometimes reflect on Hannah and how long she waited to become pregnant. I know she had days like this. God's timing is perfect but my faith is weak.
I have to believe
That He sees my darkness
I have to believe
He knows my pain
I have to lift up
My hands to worship
Worship His name
I have to declare
That He is my refuge
I have to deny
That I am alone
I have to lift up
My eyes to the mountain
It's where my help comes from
Oh yeah
He said that He's forever faithful
He said that He's forever true
He said that He can move mountains
If He can move mountains
He can move my mountain
He can move your mountain, too
Oh, I have to stand tall
When the wind blows me over
I have to stand strong
When I'm weak and afraid
I have to grab hold
Ahold of the garments
The garments of praise
I know, I know, I know
Cause He said that He's forever faithful
And He said that He's forever true
He said that He can move mountains
If He can move mountains
He can move my mountain
He can move your mountain, too
I have to sing praise
When the hour is midnight
He unlocks these chains
That bind up my soul
My sin and my shame
He has forgiven and made me whole
More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/r/rita_springer/#share
I want to break free of being begrudgingly single and be satisfied that my Maker is my husband. I know that He knows I have this desire. I know that if I have this desire he will grant it to me if my ways are aligned with His ways. It's just so hard some days, especially today. I have no appetite because I feel undesirable, but still eat because I'm depressed(that's what girls do). I'm trying not to hate how I look or who I am because that's the only logical thing I can come up with as to why I have never been in love or even been kissed for that matter. God's timing is so illogical. It's why he stresses faith. I have to believe that he has my best in mind. I sometimes reflect on Hannah and how long she waited to become pregnant. I know she had days like this. God's timing is perfect but my faith is weak.
I have to believe
That He sees my darkness
I have to believe
He knows my pain
I have to lift up
My hands to worship
Worship His name
I have to declare
That He is my refuge
I have to deny
That I am alone
I have to lift up
My eyes to the mountain
It's where my help comes from
Oh yeah
He said that He's forever faithful
He said that He's forever true
He said that He can move mountains
If He can move mountains
He can move my mountain
He can move your mountain, too
Oh, I have to stand tall
When the wind blows me over
I have to stand strong
When I'm weak and afraid
I have to grab hold
Ahold of the garments
The garments of praise
I know, I know, I know
Cause He said that He's forever faithful
And He said that He's forever true
He said that He can move mountains
If He can move mountains
He can move my mountain
He can move your mountain, too
I have to sing praise
When the hour is midnight
He unlocks these chains
That bind up my soul
My sin and my shame
He has forgiven and made me whole
More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/r/rita_springer/#share
Grace
Yesterday was pretty good. Went to work, watched Finding Nemo, ate at Buffalo Wild Wings with some friends, got a whole meal for $2.70. Katie is the best server.
I just have a small story to tell. I was talking to one of my friends about singleness, and he proceeded to say that basically, if you desire marriage then it will happen and if you don't then it won't. We conversed for a bit about how I was searching for purpose in the fact that I have always been single, because I've wanted to be in love as long as I can remember. I said that I felt like my life has been that Christmas that everyone gives you socks. I really want to find him, the one I will spend my life with, but it seems hopeless somedays. My friend said, "Except you should start looking in the socks cause God has hidden a pair of diamond earrings in them!"
I cried.
End of story.
Have a wonderful day.
I just have a small story to tell. I was talking to one of my friends about singleness, and he proceeded to say that basically, if you desire marriage then it will happen and if you don't then it won't. We conversed for a bit about how I was searching for purpose in the fact that I have always been single, because I've wanted to be in love as long as I can remember. I said that I felt like my life has been that Christmas that everyone gives you socks. I really want to find him, the one I will spend my life with, but it seems hopeless somedays. My friend said, "Except you should start looking in the socks cause God has hidden a pair of diamond earrings in them!"
I cried.
End of story.
Have a wonderful day.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Hello Monday
Well, due to a very frustrating dream, I was awake at 4:30 this morning. So I prayed at my house and then I went to Cliff Haven and prayed and now I'm at my desk at Central Textil.
I prayed about my frustration from that dream and I feel that God has released me from it, so I hope that it doesn't come back to haunt me. I have been feeling darkness around me lately. I am so prone to a bad mood that I can hardly live with my own negativity. I have been feeling something trying to divide our youth group. I had to come against it this morning so that's why I went to the church. I know that God is moving and demons hate it.
I was reflecting this morning on the fact that everyone on our praise team(well pretty much all of our youth group) is single. This is a marvel to me. Why have I not really thought about it before? One of the greatest missionaries of all time, Paul, was single his whole life. I'm really excited to see what God is going to bring out of this. It's amazing.
My prayer for today is that You would let us be satisfied in You and not chasing after someone but seeking your face.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Hello Friday.
Welcome to my blog. I'm in an expressive mood here lately and I thought this would be a good way to help me do it. I also thought this would be a good way to help me practice my non-existent typing skills...
ANYWAY...
I've written a new song and a couple of snippets of songs and I hope to get them on my fan page if I can get a decent recording on my computer's microphone. We'll see.
I love it when you can feel raw passion in music. It doesn't matter what genre. Real music is from the heart. I can worship to heavy metal, southern gospel, even instrumental. What makes the difference for me is passion. Passion speaks.
I can't stand when people are shady. My only pet peeve. the end.
I love Jesus Christ, my only hope.
He loves me.
That is all for now.
ANYWAY...
I've written a new song and a couple of snippets of songs and I hope to get them on my fan page if I can get a decent recording on my computer's microphone. We'll see.
I love it when you can feel raw passion in music. It doesn't matter what genre. Real music is from the heart. I can worship to heavy metal, southern gospel, even instrumental. What makes the difference for me is passion. Passion speaks.
I can't stand when people are shady. My only pet peeve. the end.
I love Jesus Christ, my only hope.
He loves me.
That is all for now.
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