I just discovered another little piece in the what's wrong with me puzzle.
I always feel invisible.
There is still a small girl inside of me that screams, "Notice me! Notice me! Hey over here!" but for some reason I still always get overlooked and forgotten about. It's not anyone's fault I'm just an invisible person. I don't try to do anything to make a name for myself. I just want someone to see me and see beauty and value but I am afraid that if I push myself out there then I am defeating the purpose of having someone see me. Of course everyone sees the clown in their face, but who notices the treasure in the corner? Or the person standing in the back? There are people like me who are so special and have so much to give but feel useless because no one even notices them. I still feel that way sometimes. And hopeless. No one even realizes what amazing things are on the inside of people like me. I'm not beautiful by the standard of the world and I am pretty much stuck with an unfair label. I feel as though no matter what I say no one truly hears me because I am an Invisible. I wish I was a Transparent or an Inside-Out. Then I might own the world.
Not saying that I am wonderful or anything. I would never have all of these things in my heart if I wasn't an Invisible. Invisibles aren't much to look at so we spend most of our time perfecting what's inside of us. There is great power and strength inside of us. The only problem is that we don't know how to let it out. We don't know how to approach people and share this glorious insight. It's not easy at all because the world is based on a standard of beauty. If an Invisible has a crush, it is doomed to end in heartbreak. Invisibles don't put everything on the line to be noticed. We know we are valuable. We don't want to waste it. Guys go after Porcelain Dolls only to be disappointed when they crack and are totally empty inside. Invisibles only want to share the deepest part of their heart with someone who really wants to know it. There is treasure in our hearts but it can turn to ashes in the wrong hands.
Not every Invisible is golden. Some take the grief and turn it into anger. The heart becomes filled with rage and malice. All they need is an encouraging word or a friend. It could change their life and yours.
Seek out Invisibles and you will find true beauty.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Emotions
I've heard people say to me don't be controlled by your emotions. I understand not wearing my heart on my sleeve, but there comes a time when I have to loosen the grip I have on my emotions.
Hating someone and letting that drive you to killing someone is wrong, most people would agree.
But.
Like every single time before, I have developed a crush on my close guy friend. This is why I can't have close guy friends. I value our friendship, and I believe he values our friendship. I know he won't ever be attracted to me. I'm not his type. He's not really my type. He's there and I get so lonely. So I told him. I'm 25 and I've never been in love. I've never been kissed. I've never even been on a real date, not that a date is what I'm looking for. I'm looking for rest. I just don't know how to tell my heart to calm down. And Instead of feeling protected, I'm prone to believe I'm unwanted, undesirable, repulsive, ugly, useless, the list goes on and on. When in reality it means I have something special that is being so well preserved in a society where everything is being ruined. I mean, come on. I'm not ugly. I may be overweight, but I am beautiful. AND I have the best hair I have ever seen. Useless? I mean, God has given me more talent than most people I know, and I constantly give it back to Him. I just don't understand why he has chosen me to be set apart and feel so lonely.
And now I'm minus a friend. Again. I'm sorry. I really am. Maybe eventually we can be close friends again. You are amazing. And talented. I hope I didn't mess it up too badly. Who would I rather have random worship time with? Well I ain't going to Narnia that's for sure.
Hating someone and letting that drive you to killing someone is wrong, most people would agree.
But.
Like every single time before, I have developed a crush on my close guy friend. This is why I can't have close guy friends. I value our friendship, and I believe he values our friendship. I know he won't ever be attracted to me. I'm not his type. He's not really my type. He's there and I get so lonely. So I told him. I'm 25 and I've never been in love. I've never been kissed. I've never even been on a real date, not that a date is what I'm looking for. I'm looking for rest. I just don't know how to tell my heart to calm down. And Instead of feeling protected, I'm prone to believe I'm unwanted, undesirable, repulsive, ugly, useless, the list goes on and on. When in reality it means I have something special that is being so well preserved in a society where everything is being ruined. I mean, come on. I'm not ugly. I may be overweight, but I am beautiful. AND I have the best hair I have ever seen. Useless? I mean, God has given me more talent than most people I know, and I constantly give it back to Him. I just don't understand why he has chosen me to be set apart and feel so lonely.
And now I'm minus a friend. Again. I'm sorry. I really am. Maybe eventually we can be close friends again. You are amazing. And talented. I hope I didn't mess it up too badly. Who would I rather have random worship time with? Well I ain't going to Narnia that's for sure.
Friday, December 9, 2011
September 15
I wrote this September 15th and I forgot about it. I love expressing myself through poetry, so I thought I would share it.
Every time I think I’ve finally found love it leaves. I hate that you notice me. It makes me think we could be. I want to be the one you want. Not the one you settle for. I just don’t think I’m pretty enough to be with you. I’ll probably never be skinny or find someone who sees me as beautiful the way I am. How could someone love a big girl in a small world? As you leave, I mourn the loss of this chance. I mourn the time wasted once again. I wish there was hope for me but it’s just never worked out. 25 and never been on a real date. Never been kissed. Never been told how beautiful I am by the one I love. I don’t want you to have pity on me; I just want you to fall in love with me. Just for once. I don’t want to give up on love but I feel it has given up on me.
Have you given up on me love?
Cause I’m giving up on you.
I just can’t leave my heart wide open
To dreams that don’t come true.
I want to live my life without worrying if you’ll ever knock on my door
I guess I’m not meant to have the only thing I’ve ever wanted
It would be different if you were the only one who told me this
Ten years later and still I’ve never been kissed
Love you let me down so I’m walking out
I’m building up my walls now I can’t keep letting strangers in.
Is there not one I value who values my heart?
Who loves my time?
Who thinks I’m beautiful?
I guess not.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Excerpt from Praise Habit: Finding God in Sunsets and Sushi by David Crowder
1-9 God, you're my last chance of the day.
I spend the night on my knees before you.
Put me on your salvation agenda;
take notes on the trouble I'm in.
I've had my fill of trouble;
I'm camped on the edge of hell.
I'm written off as a lost cause,
one more statistic, a hopeless case.
Abandoned as already dead,
one more body in a stack of corpses,
And not so much as a gravestone—
I'm a black hole in oblivion.
You've dropped me into a bottomless pit,
sunk me in a pitch-black abyss.
I'm battered senseless by your rage,
relentlessly pounded by your waves of anger.
You turned my friends against me,
made me horrible to them.
I'm caught in a maze and can't find my way out,
blinded by tears of pain and frustration.
9-12 I call to you, God; all day I call.
I wring my hands, I plead for help.
Are the dead a live audience for your miracles?
Do ghosts ever join the choirs that praise you?
Does your love make any difference in a graveyard?
Is your faithful presence noticed in the corridors of hell?
Are your marvelous wonders ever seen in the dark,
your righteous ways noticed in the Land of No Memory?
13-18 I'm standing my ground, God, shouting for help,
at my prayers every morning, on my knees each daybreak.
Why, God, do you turn a deaf ear?
Why do you make yourself scarce?
For as long as I remember I've been hurting;
I've taken the worst you can hand out, and I've had it.
Your wildfire anger has blazed through my life;
I'm bleeding, black-and-blue.
You've attacked me fiercely from every side,
raining down blows till I'm nearly dead.
You made lover and neighbor alike dump me;
the only friend I have left is Darkness.
Psalm 88 is this. A picture of a moment when life has pressed in and faith is turned on its head and the writer has been thrown into a deluge with the overpowering weight of the moment. Life cannot be kept at bay. It comes. Our protected areas are invaded. We cry for help and hear silence in return. I think the truth in this chapter is that sometimes we find ourselves overwhelmed with no answer. In this psalm there are no reasons given for God's silence. The psalm is not interested in explanation. We may imagine that the situation is so desperate that even if a "reason" could be offered, the speaker would have no interest in it, nor would it help, because the needfulness of the moment supersedes any reasonable conversation. But the psalmist was not deterred by the silence. Even if the speaker is speaking to the empty sky. he is not deterred. It only leads to more intense address. This psalm reports what it's like to be God's partner in His inexplicable absence. There is nothing out of bounds, nothing precluded or inappropriate. Everything properly belongs in this conversation of the heart. To withhold parts of life from that conversation is to withhold parts of life from the sovereignty of God. God must be addressed even if God never answers. In our modern experience it is believed that enough power and knowledge can tame the terror and eliminate the darkness. But we regularly learn and discern that there in the darkness---more than anywhere else--newness that is not of our own making breaks upon us and we are surely then drowned in Him. Psalm 88 shows us what the cross is about: faithfulness in scenes of complete abandonment.
I spend the night on my knees before you.
Put me on your salvation agenda;
take notes on the trouble I'm in.
I've had my fill of trouble;
I'm camped on the edge of hell.
I'm written off as a lost cause,
one more statistic, a hopeless case.
Abandoned as already dead,
one more body in a stack of corpses,
And not so much as a gravestone—
I'm a black hole in oblivion.
You've dropped me into a bottomless pit,
sunk me in a pitch-black abyss.
I'm battered senseless by your rage,
relentlessly pounded by your waves of anger.
You turned my friends against me,
made me horrible to them.
I'm caught in a maze and can't find my way out,
blinded by tears of pain and frustration.
9-12 I call to you, God; all day I call.
I wring my hands, I plead for help.
Are the dead a live audience for your miracles?
Do ghosts ever join the choirs that praise you?
Does your love make any difference in a graveyard?
Is your faithful presence noticed in the corridors of hell?
Are your marvelous wonders ever seen in the dark,
your righteous ways noticed in the Land of No Memory?
13-18 I'm standing my ground, God, shouting for help,
at my prayers every morning, on my knees each daybreak.
Why, God, do you turn a deaf ear?
Why do you make yourself scarce?
For as long as I remember I've been hurting;
I've taken the worst you can hand out, and I've had it.
Your wildfire anger has blazed through my life;
I'm bleeding, black-and-blue.
You've attacked me fiercely from every side,
raining down blows till I'm nearly dead.
You made lover and neighbor alike dump me;
the only friend I have left is Darkness.
Psalm 88 is this. A picture of a moment when life has pressed in and faith is turned on its head and the writer has been thrown into a deluge with the overpowering weight of the moment. Life cannot be kept at bay. It comes. Our protected areas are invaded. We cry for help and hear silence in return. I think the truth in this chapter is that sometimes we find ourselves overwhelmed with no answer. In this psalm there are no reasons given for God's silence. The psalm is not interested in explanation. We may imagine that the situation is so desperate that even if a "reason" could be offered, the speaker would have no interest in it, nor would it help, because the needfulness of the moment supersedes any reasonable conversation. But the psalmist was not deterred by the silence. Even if the speaker is speaking to the empty sky. he is not deterred. It only leads to more intense address. This psalm reports what it's like to be God's partner in His inexplicable absence. There is nothing out of bounds, nothing precluded or inappropriate. Everything properly belongs in this conversation of the heart. To withhold parts of life from that conversation is to withhold parts of life from the sovereignty of God. God must be addressed even if God never answers. In our modern experience it is believed that enough power and knowledge can tame the terror and eliminate the darkness. But we regularly learn and discern that there in the darkness---more than anywhere else--newness that is not of our own making breaks upon us and we are surely then drowned in Him. Psalm 88 shows us what the cross is about: faithfulness in scenes of complete abandonment.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Pine Tree Night 2011
So...Pine tree night is a tradition me and some of my friends have. We drive to Nashville in the middle of the night and go look at the Gaylord Hotel. Fantastic idea.
The trip got underway about 10:30 last night. All of us met at Winn's house in Collinwood and took his dad's van to Nashville. All eight of us. In a seven passenger van. Very interesting car ride. We arrived at around 1am only to find that the rent-a-cop was onto us. All we had to do was move the car though. Relieved.
The first door we came to was unopenable without a room key so we had to walk halfway around the building to get to the main lobby. Halfway around that building is quite a distance. We finally entered the hotel at the main door with no questions asked. I guess it's good the place is so huge.
It was magical
I'm ready for Christmas.
We stopped at Steak 'N Shake in Franklin at around 5:30am. We had a great meal and a fantastic server, especially surprising for the time of day it was. After dinner/breakfast or whatever it was, we stepped outside to see the sun rising. Then we headed back home to which Emily and I arrived at around 9am. I got up at 4pm.
Night well spent.
The trip got underway about 10:30 last night. All of us met at Winn's house in Collinwood and took his dad's van to Nashville. All eight of us. In a seven passenger van. Very interesting car ride. We arrived at around 1am only to find that the rent-a-cop was onto us. All we had to do was move the car though. Relieved.
The first door we came to was unopenable without a room key so we had to walk halfway around the building to get to the main lobby. Halfway around that building is quite a distance. We finally entered the hotel at the main door with no questions asked. I guess it's good the place is so huge.
It was magical
 |
| Random Orchids |
 |
| The BIG Tree |
 |
| Magnolia Ballroom Chandelier |
 |
| The BIG Tree |
We stopped at Steak 'N Shake in Franklin at around 5:30am. We had a great meal and a fantastic server, especially surprising for the time of day it was. After dinner/breakfast or whatever it was, we stepped outside to see the sun rising. Then we headed back home to which Emily and I arrived at around 9am. I got up at 4pm.
Night well spent.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Ugh....
I feel awful today. I was out late last night and then I came home and cried for another hour. So, I laid down at 2:30am and got up at 6. Depressed and tired do not mix. I learned a few things this week.
1. I am terrible at karaoke.
2. I will be under appreciated for the rest of my life.
3. I'm not even remotely beautiful compared to at least 85% of the population.
4. #3= basically I'm not going anywhere because beauty is the treasure of this world
5. I'm tired of 2-4 I carry that weight with me everyday.
6. 1 doesn't really bother me. I think it's great. :-)
7. Don't tell me how crazy girls are. I'm not crazy. I'm just not pretty enough for you.
8. I would love to find someone for me but I'm pretty sure Flo-Bama is not the place.
9. Not that anyone would look at me anyway.
10. I really would like to be beautiful for a day just to see how it feels. People treat you different.
11. Dreaming only gets me hurt.
12. I think I might become a hermit.
13. Some days I would rather be anyone else.
14. I know in my head I'm not completely worthless but my heart doesn't believe I have any value .
15. Nothing anyone says can change the way I feel.
16. I'm not really sure what I did to deserve any of this.
17. I understand that God doesn't want me to be depressed.
18. I am blessed and loved.
19. I'm still never going to be pretty enough.
20. It makes me sad.
Later
1. I am terrible at karaoke.
2. I will be under appreciated for the rest of my life.
3. I'm not even remotely beautiful compared to at least 85% of the population.
4. #3= basically I'm not going anywhere because beauty is the treasure of this world
5. I'm tired of 2-4 I carry that weight with me everyday.
6. 1 doesn't really bother me. I think it's great. :-)
7. Don't tell me how crazy girls are. I'm not crazy. I'm just not pretty enough for you.
8. I would love to find someone for me but I'm pretty sure Flo-Bama is not the place.
9. Not that anyone would look at me anyway.
10. I really would like to be beautiful for a day just to see how it feels. People treat you different.
11. Dreaming only gets me hurt.
12. I think I might become a hermit.
13. Some days I would rather be anyone else.
14. I know in my head I'm not completely worthless but my heart doesn't believe I have any value .
15. Nothing anyone says can change the way I feel.
16. I'm not really sure what I did to deserve any of this.
17. I understand that God doesn't want me to be depressed.
18. I am blessed and loved.
19. I'm still never going to be pretty enough.
20. It makes me sad.
Later
Friday, November 18, 2011
Well Friday's Here
I have decided that I am going to clean out some junk in my life. First of all, I have low self-esteem mainly because I don't see myself as beautiful. At all. I've never felt really beautiful and all my life there were people who treated me like I'm not, so why not believe it.
The one that kills me is when people pull the inner beauty card. Vomit. I understand that I'm amazing on the inside. Not my problem. I understand that I have talent. Not my problem. My problem is I'm not attractive...
So I refuse to spend time with anyone who makes me feel like less of a person. I am perfectly content to hang out at the house by myself. When I become more confident then I may be more social, but I would rather be ok with myself than have a million friends.
The one that kills me is when people pull the inner beauty card. Vomit. I understand that I'm amazing on the inside. Not my problem. I understand that I have talent. Not my problem. My problem is I'm not attractive...
So I refuse to spend time with anyone who makes me feel like less of a person. I am perfectly content to hang out at the house by myself. When I become more confident then I may be more social, but I would rather be ok with myself than have a million friends.
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