Excerpt from Praise Habit: Finding God in Sunsets and Sushi by David Crowder

^1-9 God, you're my last chance of the day.
I spend the night on my knees before you.
   Put me on your salvation agenda;
      take notes on the trouble I'm in.
   I've had my fill of trouble;
      I'm camped on the edge of hell.
   I'm written off as a lost cause,
      one more statistic, a hopeless case.
   Abandoned as already dead,
      one more body in a stack of corpses,
   And not so much as a gravestone—
      I'm a black hole in oblivion.
   You've dropped me into a bottomless pit,
      sunk me in a pitch-black abyss.
   I'm battered senseless by your rage,
      relentlessly pounded by your waves of anger.
   You turned my friends against me,
      made me horrible to them.
   I'm caught in a maze and can't find my way out,
      blinded by tears of pain and frustration.

 ^9-12 I call to you, God; all day I call.
      I wring my hands, I plead for help.
   Are the dead a live audience for your miracles?
      Do ghosts ever join the choirs that praise you?
   Does your love make any difference in a graveyard?
      Is your faithful presence noticed in the corridors of hell?
   Are your marvelous wonders ever seen in the dark,
      your righteous ways noticed in the Land of No Memory?

 ^13-18 I'm standing my ground, God, shouting for help,
      at my prayers every morning, on my knees each daybreak.
   Why, God, do you turn a deaf ear?
      Why do you make yourself scarce?
   For as long as I remember I've been hurting;
      I've taken the worst you can hand out, and I've had it.
   Your wildfire anger has blazed through my life;
      I'm bleeding, black-and-blue.
   You've attacked me fiercely from every side,
      raining down blows till I'm nearly dead.
   You made lover and neighbor alike dump me;
      the only friend I have left is Darkness.

Psalm 88 is this. A picture of a moment when life has pressed in and faith is turned on its head and the writer has been thrown into a deluge with the overpowering weight of the moment. Life cannot be kept at bay. It comes. Our protected areas are invaded. We cry for help and hear silence in return. I think the truth in this chapter is that sometimes we find ourselves overwhelmed with no answer. In this psalm there are no reasons given for God's silence. The psalm is not interested in explanation. We may imagine that the situation is so desperate that even if a "reason" could be offered, the speaker would have no interest in it, nor would it help, because the needfulness of the moment supersedes any reasonable conversation. But the psalmist was not deterred by the silence. Even if the speaker is speaking to the empty sky. he is not deterred. It only leads to more intense address. This psalm reports what it's like to be God's partner in His inexplicable absence. There is nothing out of bounds, nothing precluded or inappropriate. Everything properly belongs in this conversation of the heart. To withhold parts of life from that conversation is to withhold parts of life from the sovereignty of God. God must be addressed even if God never answers. In our modern experience it is believed that enough power and knowledge can tame the terror and eliminate the darkness. But we regularly learn and discern that there in the darkness---more than anywhere else--newness that is not of our own making breaks upon us and we are surely then drowned in Him. Psalm 88 shows us what the cross is about: faithfulness in scenes of complete abandonment.

Pine Tree Night 2011

So...Pine tree night is a tradition me and some of my friends have. We drive to Nashville in the middle of the night and go look at the Gaylord Hotel. Fantastic idea.

The trip got underway about 10:30 last night. All of us met at Winn's house in Collinwood and took his dad's van to Nashville. All eight of us. In a seven passenger van. Very interesting car ride. We arrived at around 1am only to find that the rent-a-cop was onto us. All we had to do was move the car though. Relieved.

The first door we came to was unopenable without a room key so we had to walk halfway around the building to get to the main lobby. Halfway around that building is quite a distance. We finally entered the hotel at the main door with no questions asked. I guess it's good the place is so huge.


It was magical

Random Orchids

The BIG Tree

Magnolia Ballroom Chandelier 

The BIG Tree

I'm ready for Christmas.

We stopped at Steak 'N Shake in Franklin at around 5:30am. We had a great meal and a fantastic server, especially surprising for the time of day it was. After dinner/breakfast or whatever it was, we stepped outside to see the sun rising. Then we headed back home to which Emily and I arrived at around 9am. I got up at 4pm.

Night well spent.

Ugh....

I feel awful today. I was out late last night and then I came home and cried for another hour. So, I laid down at 2:30am and got up at 6. Depressed and tired do not mix. I learned a few things this week.

1. I am terrible at karaoke.
2. I will be under appreciated for the rest of my life.
3. I'm not even remotely beautiful compared to at least 85% of the population.
4. #3= basically I'm not going anywhere because beauty is the treasure of this world
5. I'm tired of 2-4 I carry that weight with me everyday.
6. 1 doesn't really bother me. I think it's great. :-)
7. Don't tell me how crazy girls are. I'm not crazy. I'm just not pretty enough for you.
8. I would love to find someone for me but I'm pretty sure Flo-Bama is not the place.
9. Not that anyone would look at me anyway.
10. I really would like to be beautiful for a day just to see how it feels. People treat you different.
11. Dreaming only gets me hurt.
12. I think I might become a hermit.
13. Some days I would rather be anyone else.
14. I know in my head I'm not completely worthless but my heart doesn't believe I have any value .
15. Nothing anyone says can change the way I feel.
16. I'm not really sure what I did to deserve any of this.
17. I understand that God doesn't want me to be depressed.
18. I am blessed and loved.
19. I'm still never going to be pretty enough.
20. It makes me sad.



Later

Well Friday's Here

I have decided that I am going to clean out some junk in my life. First of all, I have low self-esteem mainly because I don't see myself as beautiful. At all. I've never felt really beautiful and all my life there were people who treated me like I'm not, so why not believe it.

The one that kills me is when people pull the inner beauty card. Vomit. I understand that I'm amazing on the inside. Not my problem. I understand that I have talent. Not my problem. My problem is I'm not attractive...

So I refuse to spend time with anyone who makes me feel like less of a person. I am perfectly content to hang out at the house by myself. When I become more confident then I may be more social, but I would rather be ok with myself than have a million friends.

Today IS THUrSdaY

Praise Jesus. I am still alive another day!

I have struggled a small bit this week but nothing too bad. Finances are always on my mind. I have got to make a budget. It will happen next week and I will be more stable in that area God willing. I want to be a more responsible person and that's one thing I can work on. I also still fight the same battle of loneliness. It's just a struggle some days(i feel the tears coming as I type this sentence). No matter what I tell myself, or what other people tell me, or what I read in the scripture, I still feel like there must be something wrong with me. Well, there is. I'm not skinny and probably will never be a size 0 or whatever. I feel like no matter what I do, I'll never be good enough. I almost cry every time I go to the gym. I feel like what I'm doing is useless. I haven't really lost any weight. What if I do attain the perfect figure? What if some guy I've been in love with for 10 years wants to date me? Why couldn't I be good enough before? I'm still the same me. (tear) It sucks to be a fat girl in a skinny world... I see ugly guys with beautiful girls all the time... It's such a double standard and it tells me I have to be perfect and I just can't.

I feel so disgusting and ugly sometimes.

yep

Been a lot going on lately.  I haven't blogged because I didn't want to regret anything I may have said out of anger or frustration. But now my head is mostly clear.

I've been doing a lot of music related things lately, none of which yield income, but hanging out and making music with friends is worth more than almost anything to me. I'm convinced it's in my DNA.  If I had no gift of music I know I would find other ways to glorify God, but He gave me this so I give it back to Him. He's more than worth it all.

No Limts

Take the Limits Off

I'm not a man
I cannot lie
I know the plans
For your life
I'm asking you to dream again
Believe again
And take the limits off of Me

I'm not a man
I cannot lie
I know the plans I have for you
They're My design
So I'm asking you
Just to hope again
And take the limits off of Me

Take the limits off
Take the limits off
Release Me
To accomplish what I promised you Take the limits off
Take the limits off
Release Me
Release Me

No limits
No boundaries
I see increase
All around me
Stretch forth
Break forth
Release me
Enlarge my territory

It is not death to die

It Is Not Death to Die - Sovereign Grace Music

It is not death to die
To leave this weary road
And join the saints who dwell on high
Who’ve found their home with God

It is not death to close
The eyes long dimmed by tears
And wake in joy before Your throne
Delivered from our fears

(Refrain)
O Jesus, conquering the grave
Your precious blood has power to save
Those who trust in You
Will in Your mercy find
That it is not death to die

It is not death to fling
Aside this earthly dust
And rise with strong and noble wing
To live among the just

It is not death to hear
The key unlock the door
That sets us free from mortal years
To praise You evermore


(Refrain)
O Jesus, conquering the grave
Your precious blood has power to save
Those who trust in You
Will in Your mercy find
That it is not death to die