Emotions

I've heard people say to me don't be controlled by your emotions. I understand not wearing my heart on my sleeve, but there comes a time when I have to loosen the grip I have on my emotions.

Hating someone and letting that drive you to killing someone is wrong, most people would agree.

But.

Like every single time before, I have developed a crush on my close guy friend. This is why I can't have close guy friends. I value our friendship, and I believe he values our friendship. I know he won't ever be attracted to me. I'm not his type. He's not really my type. He's there and I get so lonely. So I told him.  I'm 25 and I've never been in love.  I've never been kissed. I've never even been on a real date, not that a date is what I'm looking for. I'm looking for rest. I just don't know how to tell my heart to calm down. And Instead of feeling protected, I'm prone to believe I'm unwanted, undesirable, repulsive, ugly, useless, the list goes on and on. When in reality it means I have something special that is being so well preserved in a society where everything is being ruined. I mean, come on. I'm not ugly. I may be overweight, but I am beautiful. AND I have the best hair I have ever seen. Useless? I mean, God has given me more talent than most people I know, and I constantly give it back to Him. I just don't understand why he has chosen me to be set apart and feel so lonely.

And now I'm minus a friend. Again. I'm sorry. I really am. Maybe eventually we can be close friends again. You are amazing. And talented. I hope I didn't mess it up too badly. Who would I rather have random worship time with? Well I ain't going to Narnia that's for sure.

September 15

I wrote this September 15th and I forgot about it. I love expressing myself through poetry, so I thought I would share it.

Every time I think I’ve finally found love it leaves. I hate that you notice me. It makes me think we could be. I want to be the one you want. Not the one you settle for. I just don’t think I’m pretty enough to be with you. I’ll probably never be skinny or find someone who sees me as beautiful the way I am. How could someone love a big girl in a small world? As you leave, I mourn the loss of this chance. I mourn the time wasted once again. I wish there was hope for me but it’s just never worked out. 25 and never been on a real date. Never been kissed. Never been told how beautiful I am by the one I love. I don’t want you to have pity on me; I just want you to fall in love with me. Just for once. I don’t want to give up on love but I feel it has given up on me.

Have you given up on me love?

Cause I’m giving up on you.

I just can’t leave my heart wide open

To dreams that don’t come true.

I want to live my life without worrying if you’ll ever knock on my door

I guess I’m not meant to have the only thing I’ve ever wanted

It would be different if you were the only one who told me this

Ten years later and still I’ve never been kissed

Love you let me down so I’m walking out

I’m building up my walls now I can’t keep letting strangers in.

Is there not one I value who values my heart?

Who loves my time?

Who thinks I’m beautiful?

I guess not.