Emotions

I've heard people say to me don't be controlled by your emotions. I understand not wearing my heart on my sleeve, but there comes a time when I have to loosen the grip I have on my emotions.

Hating someone and letting that drive you to killing someone is wrong, most people would agree.

But.

Like every single time before, I have developed a crush on my close guy friend. This is why I can't have close guy friends. I value our friendship, and I believe he values our friendship. I know he won't ever be attracted to me. I'm not his type. He's not really my type. He's there and I get so lonely. So I told him.  I'm 25 and I've never been in love.  I've never been kissed. I've never even been on a real date, not that a date is what I'm looking for. I'm looking for rest. I just don't know how to tell my heart to calm down. And Instead of feeling protected, I'm prone to believe I'm unwanted, undesirable, repulsive, ugly, useless, the list goes on and on. When in reality it means I have something special that is being so well preserved in a society where everything is being ruined. I mean, come on. I'm not ugly. I may be overweight, but I am beautiful. AND I have the best hair I have ever seen. Useless? I mean, God has given me more talent than most people I know, and I constantly give it back to Him. I just don't understand why he has chosen me to be set apart and feel so lonely.

And now I'm minus a friend. Again. I'm sorry. I really am. Maybe eventually we can be close friends again. You are amazing. And talented. I hope I didn't mess it up too badly. Who would I rather have random worship time with? Well I ain't going to Narnia that's for sure.